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[elphyon]

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I wrote you a letter.
I keep it with me always
thinking I’ll send it to you
one day, when I’ve figured out
all that I’ve done wrong
the failure I’ve become.

I imagine your face
by looking at my reflection
& in my reflection
you are always about to cry
so I almost want to forgive
give to fire this penance
I wear always for your crime.

Dad, do you remember the ashtray
that shattered against Mom’s head
like a glass grenade? All that night
as you slept drunk
she stifled her sobbing  & swept the floor
lest her children should cut themselves
on the jagged ruins of her marriage.

You gave me life
& for good measure
branded me like a cattle for slaughter
as if you had the right
as if I deserved no better

Well, you’ll be proud
to know I’m surviving
surviving daily
surviving barely
finding what comfort I can get
in a language not my own.

& it hurts,
every word in this poem
is a wound I’ve dug up
looking for you beneath my skin
& I don’t know
how much longer I can hold on,
trying to fix myself & failing
love myself & hating
I’m burying myself a little deeper
each day.

I’m a real freak, Dad
when I try to picture
a family of my own,
a wife, two kids, house
in the suburbs—
everyone’s unhappy.
even the dog , a black Labrador,
knows I don’t belong
in the picture.

I’m a real freak, Dad
I’m a 21st century Frankenstein
merely glued together in the joints
not quite right in the head

I’m your handiwork, Dad
your masterpiece.
you broke me good
you broke me so good
& I applaud your success,
my sorry providence,

well
done.

[Vincent Turner]

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This poem reads as though the wound is still very much weeping. Some of the stanza's are angry but in thier anger they come across as cliched and to sentimental. It is nothing new, some years ago i think i would have really gone for this type of poem, but am beginging to see that poetry that deals with subject matter such as this, can be handled in a more subtle way. Some internet sites which publish work will lap this up- and thats fine. If you are happy with the poem then leave it as it is, but then if you are happy with it, would you have posted it here??

When reading this, i want to be shown the devastion of your fathers legacy not so much told about it..

& I don’t know
how much longer I can hold on,
trying to fix myself & failing
love myself & hating
I’m burying myself a little deeper
each day.

Again here....

Well, you’ll be proud
to know I’m surviving
surviving daily
surviving barely
finding what comfort I can get
in a language not my own.

in regards to this simile

Dad, do you remember the ashtray
that shattered against Mom’s head
like a glass grenade?

at first i liked it, but then it got me thinking, you compare it to a glass grenade, but is it not a glass grenade by default, as when it is smashed it will more than likely explode and thus shards of shattered glass are projected... just a question, it could be me??


Are you happy with this poem, if not, are there any particular arears which you yourself feel could be improved or developed.

Best Regards

Vincent

[elphyon]

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Vincent, thanks for taking the time to read & comment.

Am I happy with this poem? I like what I did in the second stanza, the first five lines especially. But on the whole, no. Since I wrote it I've been trying to distance myself so that I may eventually return & edit it without getting stuck in the emotional pit.

I can see why you would suggest more "showing," but the intention was never to reveal in clever images what my father had done. Why would "I" show rather than tell? Why would you like to be shown rather than told?

As for handling the subject matter with more subtlety (whatever that means), I chose the direct, straightforward, conversational narrative voice on purpose and I know that that's the right choice for this poem. You wrote yourself that you might have like the poem some years ago, so perhaps your grievance with regards to my plainer approach has more to do with your taste & preference rather than the poem itself?

I'm not sure I understand you about the simile- how is an ashtray a grenade by default? Are you suggesting that any object that can potentially shatter and scatter its pieces is functionally a grenade? But don't similes generally work by comparing two objects unlike each other, such as, as in this particular case, a common household object (ashtray) to a deadly weapon (grenade)?

I would like to improve the beginning and the ending.

Thanks again for your time and input.

[Vincent Turner]

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Hi Elphyon.

I can see why you would suggest more "showing," but the intention was never to reveal in clever images what my father had done. Why would "I" show rather than tell? Why would you like to be shown rather than told?

Maybe its because i am a sick bastard, or maybe its because i read to many Dave Peltzer books when i was younger, maybe its because i am "told" about acts of violence every day in the newspaper, and the reading of it has become second nature.

You wrote yourself that you might have like the poem some years ago, so perhaps your grievance with regards to my plainer approach has more to do with your taste & preference rather than the poem itself?

I have no grievance to this poem- you posted it here, i am assuming for feedback/critique, which so far, only i have given- I may not be right in my critique of your work, but mine is merely a response to your work. You are right however, that my response is born by where i am now, i.e taste and preference, but as readers we are not all in the same place- so will respond differently.

I'm not sure I understand you about the simile- how is an ashtray a grenade by default? Are you suggesting that any object that can potentially shatter and scatter its pieces is functionally a grenade? But don't similes generally work by comparing two objects unlike each other, such as, as in this particular case, a common household object (ashtray) to a deadly weapon (grenade)?

I am not sure that i understand myself either!- i suppose what i am trying to say is, not that the ashtray is a grenade my default, rather that is becomes one when smashed against something i.e your mothers head. Yes a similes do generally work by comparing two things unlike... but that's my issue- the Ashtray ( once smashed) and the grenade are too alike.- maybe its the wording, maybe its me.

I too was most fond of the second stanza.

Best Regards
Vincent