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22084 Posts in 2152 Topics- by 200 Members - Latest Member: battysty

February, 08, 2012 - Loading...
LiteraryMaryWriting and Random Creativity Workshops Fiction, Flash Fiction and Proseproletariat meat
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Author Topic: proletariat meat  (Read 429 times)
Brecht
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« on: June 08, 2010, 02:18:40 AM »


Cecilia.

Dry on the frothtongue, marredtongue like crickets and blind.

Natalie. Her mother's breasts are sunken and pulled like an old elastic band. They've grown into colours and are no longer baby-powder-white, baby-powder with lead that blisters one's skin and bubbles. Now they're maniacs who sprout moths and ghastly things if you look too closely; blue and black and purple frolicking along the patch of dried milk, spattered with a gutless liver, a royal purple like the tight bodices the queen wears for her lovers and manwhores.

Cecilia. Your mother has my boot printed right above her tits and it stretches to the side of her thinned neck.

Now, you girlthing, don't you knead your playdough mouth ugly and loll your spit-tongue at me, you dangle-lipped spread.


Her braids hovered right above her temples and her temples are pounding. The girl pales like her mother when he touches her shoulder and she's ginger, and leaves a bad taste.

Cecilia, look at me. I say look at me, girl, and let me see your sparkle-eyes when they char. You look just like your mother when she cowers and I think you're beautiful. You should be touched, like Natalie was and you look just like her when you quiver and your face wet

like your pussy, don't lie, I know you soak your minnie-mouse panties.


She furrows and hills mock her between her brows, she looked tired, but not enough to not be scared and she tucks her knees to her widowed chin as he tugs at her braids.

Cecilia, you look beautiful, did I ever tell you? You look young, as if you were six again when I pull your hair back; it lifts your eyes and you look more like your mother - you look like a Japanese schoolgirl when I pull your hair. I should make you an outfit so your littegirl nipples don't show all the time, it's disrespectful.

Her cheeks have forgotten how to blush and she never looks up because her daddy has gleamer-eyes.
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redperil
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« Reply #1 on: June 08, 2010, 03:10:13 AM »


I found the mix of old terms (lead face powder) and modern (minnie mouse pants) confusing. It does carry a grotesque image which is strengthened by the explicit words spilled by the father. However, I feel like you're being overly descriptive in the opening paragraph. Less is more, as they say.

The last line feels like a tag line that would accompany some childrens charity poster.

It's a very familiar topic and so you are always going to have the history of what's gone before to compete with. Marx had a problem with history and he believed the proles needed the middle men to take the charge. So, in conclusion, consider the historical shift in references and find a middle ground between creating the image and saturating it.
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« Reply #2 on: June 12, 2010, 09:57:08 PM »


Thank you, redperil, great advice as always. Will take historical context into consideration whilst writing in the future.
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« Reply #3 on: June 12, 2010, 11:43:31 PM »

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Erik
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« Reply #4 on: June 27, 2010, 10:20:34 PM »


Given that this is just a piece of something more, it's kind of difficult to truly measure it's effect and effectiveness.   With that said.

- People can make up words and use them as they see fit.   It can confuse the reader but it can also be helpful in telling the reader about the person.   Use with caution.
- The imagery and tone is quite disconcerting - good job.   Now it's only a question of what you will do with it.
- Grammar can be mangled or ignored by characters - so long as it doesn't become a distraction.
- Keep writing.   And have fun.


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