(Please vote for the following entry with a Yes or No)I'm standing at the grave of my best friend. He was killed in car crash a few years ago. I was in the car with him and I survived somehow. Lord knows we both should have died. It kills me to know that I survived and he didn't, even after all this time. It gives me nightmares. He was in a coma for a few days before he finally succumbed to his injuries and died of massive internal bleeding. A day later, the pain of watching him die and my own injuries, made the hospital staff decide to put me into a medically induced coma for a while. When I woke up, I didn’t know where I was or what had happened. When I saw the bed where he had lain, I knew what had happened. The nightmares will haunt me for the rest of my life, I’m sure.
I come to his grave all the time, especially the anniversary of his death, to tell him about what’s been happening in my life, about my problems and whatnot. It just feels better to include him in my life mentally even if I can’t do it physically. The guilt still kills me though. I always wonder why I survived and he didn’t. I’ve prayed time again for the answer or at least closure to what happened but neither has ever come. I’m beginning to question my faith a bit. Why can’t I get an answer? A tear runs down my cheek and I fall to my knees.
I was never really very emotional growing up, but this, this is still too much for me. I get up and practically run to my car. When I get in, I promptly burst into tears. The meds aren’t working anymore. I want to be with him. I’m tempted to speed around Dead Man’s Curve, just so I can be with him, or not in anymore pain, whichever it is that happens. I really want to kill myself. I don’t think it would surprise anyone if I did. Maybe I will, but maybe I won’t. I don’t know.
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